The book is over 20 years old. The advice in it – timeless.
According to Dr. Laura from The Proper Care & Feeding of Husbands, “Women want to be in love, get married, and live happily ever after. Yet disrespect for men and disregard for the value, feelings, and needs of husbands has fast become the standard for male-female relations in America.”
That’s from the inside sleeve of the cover, again, from over 20 years ago. It could’ve been written five seconds ago, and it couldn’t be more relevant.
I go for a shallow dive into The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands by Dr. Laura Schlessinger by highlighting my favorite points.
Let’s face it, I’m too long-winded to do a deep dive, so just buy the book. You will learn more than a thing or two about what he wants from you! Trust me, you’ll find yourself picking up TPC&FoH every few years to relearn a few lessons you neglected over time.
Why Trust Tina?
But first, why trust ME?
As a wife married to the same man for almost two decades (19 years) at the time of writing this, I feel like I have some credibility to have a say on this subject.
I have personally picked up this book every few years as part of my own self-reflection on how I can be an active partner in my marriage. Because let’s face it, a happy and fulfilling marriage for both requires work. I’m still happily married to my best friend AND we still struggle in some things.
I’m real. I’m a work in progress. And with a little wine to help the writing process, I’m all about sharing – so take my two cents, or don’t.
My Mini Book Review: The Proper Care & Feeding of Husbands
I was 19 years old when I was first given this book to read by the woman who would be my sister-in-law.
I know what you’re thinking. Too young to read that book let alone be getting married.
Well, here’s your gentle reminder to stop judging (STOP IT!) – you’re welcome. If you’re in a serious relationship, then 19 is not too young to put on lenses that can help you understand your future spouse and build a foundation for a successful marriage.
Did it change my life? In some ways it did. If anything, it’s become more relevant as I get older. I occasionally find myself falling into these self-dug holes of self-pity, and Dr. Laura has a straightforward way of reminding me how I can help myself by helping my husband.
I love The Proper Care & Feeding of Husbands because it advocates for simple principles that wives can easily make second nature. Sure, there may be some growing pains from putting these principles into use and setting boundaries with close family and friends. But at the end of the day, they are not my spouse, and the growing pains serve a purpose – to provide a security and trust within my marriage that is independent of others (those outside of it, aka everyone else).
You could call a lot of this common sense crafted from a traditional perspective. However, the truth is that common sense isn’t very common and “traditional” is a very subjective term. I’ve seen “tradition” used as an excuse to ignorantly perpetuate false narratives and harmful attitudes within the family that passes on from one generation to the next.
So, it’s my opinion that whether you’re in a happy marriage or one that is on the verge of failing, you must implement these healthy perspectives and betterment tools now. Your children are watching. Your friends and family are watching too. Let’s pass on a legacy that promotes the marriage experience as a blessing.
Trigger warning: Feminists, you’re gonna hate me and this kind of content, so you may as well go find something else to do right now. Consider that your heads up.
So why now?
Why write a review on a book that’s been around for over two decades? One: Dr. Laura is amazing. Two: it’s ever more relevant today as it was then. Three: Shout out to Candace Owens and her new book “Make Him a Sandwich.”
As the “fake feminism” movement continues to emasculate men and destroy the family unit, I couldn’t think of a better time to call attention to a woman’s power. As Candace would put it, “Real Women Don’t Need Fake Feminism.”
In my opinion, real women know they can create the life they want with their man behind them 110 percent of the way – so does Dr. Laura.
Who is Dr. Laura?
In brief, Dr. Laura Schlessinger is/was a wife, mother, author, radio personality, marriage and family therapist, and physiologist. She has a Ph.D in physiology from Columbia University and has a postdoctoral cert and license in Marriage and Family Therapy.
That’s all really fancy but how did I hear about her? Her book – The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands. Then I used to listen to her on Sirius XM I think it was way back in the day.
What is The Proper Care & Feeding of Husbands?
The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands is a self-help book that provides principles and tools for the reader to implement to improve a marriage. Real-life examples and solutions are provided, and Dr. Laura talks and walks you through each scenario to provide a new perspective and understanding.
Dr. Laura says, “The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands has salvaged and revitalized innumerable strained, stagnant, boring, disappointing, annoying, frustrating, and even seemingly dead marriages, as the real-life examples happily demonstrate.”
While I absolutely believe that statement, I will refuse to say that the tools she provides is only to improve a struggling marriage. I believe in being pro-active. Learn and implement good habits and practices to keep or rekindle the romance while the going is good!
The way I see it, you’re reducing a lot of unnecessary stress and potential misunderstandings, arguments, fights (whatever you want to call them) and you’re equipped with the tools you need to make it through the tough times.
Top 3 Chapters in The Proper Care & Feeding of Husbands
Chapter 4: Men Have Feelings? Really? You’re Kidding!
For some reason, women tend to think that only their feelings must be validated. They’re the only ones that need to be heard and to give voice to their feelings. I am guilty of having been that woman. In some moments in the present, I am guilty of being her again.
I’m not a psychologist, so I’m not going to even try to answer the “why’s of why women do this.” I just know that I see this “culture” or “attitude” perpetuated among family and friends to this day, and it’s demeaning and destructive to the marriage unit.
Dr. Laura calls this gender abuse. When wives totally disregard their husband’s feelings, “it causes husbands deep pain.”
Just from this alone, I don’t think it takes any real science or math to figure out that self-destructive behavior is likely to follow in a marriage where husbands are seen as nothing more than emotional punching bags.
What can you do about it if you’re unintentionally ignoring your husband’s feelings?
- Recognize that you are indispensable to your husband’s well-being.
- “A man needs his woman to show him that she needs his strength to help her through life.”
- Encourage him, be kind, respect him, and love him because he is your man.
- Put him on a pedestal! Not because he’s above you but because in your marriage he is the most important thing to you.
Just like how we all thought as children that girls have kooties and boys don’t have eyelashes, we’ve come to assume that men don’t have feelings. Guess what, WE WERE WRONG about all of it!
Chapter 6: What’s Sex?
Remember that? If this resonates with you, you need to read TPC&FOH – please! Also while you’re making a TBR (to be read) list of books to help your husband to help yourself, you should also add our guide to Nurturing Self-Esteem & Empowerment In Your Partner and here’s 30 creative ways to date your spouse and relight that spark!
It seems easy in the beginning of a relationship to keep the romance and sexual chemistry alive – pretty much no effort at all I’d wager. But something happens after marriage.
- Kids
- Bills
- Jobs
- Home
- Church responsibilities
Each of those categories may have a seemingly endless list of bullet points too! So, where in that list did we as wives prioritize intimacy? Oops.
Why should you prioritize sex in a marriage?
“When months pass without sex or affection, the message that I get is that I am undesirable and have no value. If I were appreciated, I would be ‘loved’.”
– Said a man in a real-life quote in chapter six. Gosh. That hurts just to read that. Should it be interesting that this could’ve been said by a woman too? Men have feelings. Men have physical needs. Guess what, you do too.
There are numerous studies on the effects of sexual activity on mental health and on your psychological and relational well-being. It’s interesting that during a stressful and financially difficult period of time (COVID-19), couples who were locked down together and who remained sexually intimate showed a significantly lower risk of developing anxiety and depression according to this study.
It’s not all about looking pretty! “… femininity isn’t only about appearance, it’s also about behaviors.” My husband reveals that self-confidence is sexy!
Dr. Laura discourages electronics in the bedroom. It’s supposed to be a sanctuary. I wholeheartedly love that she says this…
“The bedroom is the foundation of the marriage and family. Don’t underestimate its importance and its power to generate the energy by which every member of the family flourishes.”
The bedroom is the foundation of the marriage and family. Beautiful.
Chapter 7: A Man Should Be Respected In His Own Home
This chapter entails more than what you may think. What should come to mind is the family dynamic between you and him, the dynamic between you and him and the children, and of course, the dynamic between you, him, and the in-laws (both sides).
- I think it’s clear that Dr. Laura addresses the obvious throughout the book, but what I want to point out is that she also addresses other things. Think along the lines of women confusing blind submission with respect and/or simply giving.
- She also brings up points like women will abuse the ‘give-and-take’ cooperation of a marriage.
- She also shows how a woman’s reaction can motivate or unmotivate a man. My husband likes to say, “approach determines response” when it comes to his profession. I would say it’s appropriately applicable in a marriage too.
What’s Just One Form of Showing Respect as a Wife?
Inspirit him. Uplift him with words and actions. Embolden him. In other words – stroke his ego.
I love to stroke my husband’s ego. He deserves it, and I encourage him to be the man he wants to be because like me, he’s a work in progress too. He loves me with all the ugly and self-loathing parts I have, and I love all of him too.
Together, we encourage each other to better ourselves just 1% every day. Whether it’s in the form of praying together, me taking out the trash because I can and will, or him being the last to bed to make sure the doors are locked even though he needs to be the first one up and out of the house while we are comfortably snoozing away. This man has earned and continues to earn my respect, admiration, and my praise.
“…since when did sincere stroking of a husband’s ego fall into disrepute? Probably when the feminists decided that caring for a man was tantamount to a betrayal of the sisterhood.”
If that’s the attitude it takes to be part of the sisterhood, count me out sista! I know who’s hood I’m in, and that ain’t one I want my name or reputation to be associated with. You can have yours and I’ll have mine.
Top 5 Best Dr Laura Books
In total, Dr. Laura has tons of books between her marriage counseling and children’s books. Her experience working with couples is littered throughout her many bestselling works. She provides time-tested methods to help you help yourself and thus your marriage and family relationships.
1. The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands – Best Dr. Laura Book for Wives
The Proper Care & Feeding of Husbands is a timeless bestseller. It’s 180 pages total, so it can be a one-day read if you’re that hungry for her wisdom. She promotes the respect and admiration that men deserve while also empowering the woman simultaneously. It’s a brilliant and yet humbling perspective that must be put into practice now. I recommend the hardcover copy because I know it will last decades. Mine has.
2. The Proper Care and Feeding of Marriage – Best Dr. Laura Book to Read Together
I believe this book came after her successful bestseller, The Proper Care & Feeding of Husbands. In this self-help for marriage book, Dr. Laura ropes in the active participation of both husband and wife. Once again, she uses real-life examples and real-life solutions that have been put through the ringer by real-life people. Available in both paperback and hardcover, I would opt for the hardcover. Read it together with your spouse and pass it onto your children. It needs to last generations to really make a change and fight against the destructive ways of societal norms.
3. Ten Stupid Things Women Do to Mess Up Their Lives – Best Dr. Laura Book for Women
I suppose if you’re a ‘sensitive soul’ because you can’t take any form of criticism, you might hate this book. However, it’s my opinion that you must read this just as much as I need to. Dr. Laura gets real about letting you know exactly who is responsible for your unhappy lives or why it’s in such a messy state. Care to guess who would be the culprit? I’ve found that I’m not as perfect as I think I am, so I know I have more to learn as I mold my best self and support my marriage too. How many of the 10 stupid things are you guilty of? You won’t know unless you get the book.
4. Bad Childhood Good Life – Best Dr. Laura Book for Healing
The Bad Childhood Good Life book addresses how to blossom and thrive in spite of an unhappy childhood. There is not a single person that is not shaped by their experiences from early life in some form or another. Our own histories and that of our parents have a huge impact on the way that we as adults process emotions, make decisions, and even how we choose to love others. In a time where victimhood is practically social currency these days, Dr. Laura helps you to change the lens to take accountability for your life and live your best life.
5. 10 Stupid Things Men Do to Mess Up Their Lives – Best Dr. Laura Book for Men
Yep – men are just as guilty as women when it comes to messing up your life. Like the awesome country song goes, “I had some help. It ain’t like I can make this kinda mess all by myself. Don’t act like you ain’t help me pull that bottle off the shelf.” Thank you very much Post Malone.
Though this is targeted to men, I think it would be a great read for women to understand men better. As is her style, Dr. Laura includes real-life examples from her radio show. There are audio and digital reading versions, and of course, the good ol’ paperback and hardcover versions. I’m a hardcover fan myself because these books last way longer. You may as well invest in a good book since you’re choosing to invest in a quality marriage. “Sound advice.” Yes, I know, you’re welcome.
Obsolete or Must-Have Marriage Advice?
In general, Dr. Laura’s book, the Proper Care & Feeding of Husbands, is ever more appropriate today as it was back then. If there are nay-sayers, at least it can be said that the principles and tools promoted in the book have been time tested. This kind of wisdom will never be obsolete.
I’ve personally benefited from this book and from listening to Dr. Laura. She’s not a perfect person either (who is?) but she has sound advice.
With or without the book, don’t wait until things get bad to figure out how to improve or save your marriage. Do something now. Counsel together. Care for each other. Feed one another. It’s a good recipe for a blessing of a marriage.
Love, Tina!
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