Is this motherhood?
I ask myself this a lot. When I’m cleaning up the toys for what seems the millionth time today. When I’m wiping my kids butt while telling her to hold still and “don’t you dare get off the potty yet!” – or for my youngest – “don’t you dare pull that diaper from out beneath you and fling it, again!”
Or hey, I just vacuumed. How is it there’s a carpet full of crumbs already??
This may all sound familiar to a lot of moms…
but the thoughts of:
- “I am so done with all these toys”
- “How is there even this many?”
- “…Can I get away with throwing some out?”
- “I am so tired of wiping butts and smelling freaking poop!”
- “Why even clean when it’s just going to fall apart?”
- “Am i just the most ungrateful, worst mom in the world?”
Is this motherhood?
Constantly berating myself and tearing myself down.. where a continuous and almost daily thought is: I feel like all I am is my kids caretaker.
Not a real person with hopes and dreams, but a nanny, a mountain to climb, a maid, a bum (because let’s face it, my clothes are full of stains and holes and I never really get ready for the day anymore!)
A person who’s not allowed to have any feelings except those of happiness…
The person who’s supposed to smile and say all is “fine and dandy!” when her husband gets home all so he’s not stressed too…
and lastly? just an all around Debbi downer!
No one ever warned me that the battle is not only the constant desire to keep your kids safe and healthy – but it’s a mental one too.
Where you have to deal with those dark and intrusive thoughts and (WAY) more, yet choose to show up the next moment and try again.
Try harder.
BE better.
Is this motherhood?
Sometimes that part is the hardest. Trying again. Trying harder. Being better.
How am I supposed to try harder when I feel like I’m already trying my hardest?
Am I though?
If not, why do I feel so burnt out almost all of the time?
Why didn’t anyone tell me how hard being a mom was gonna be?
How drastically I would change in the process?
Where I once felt inspired easily, laughed a lot, and felt so much joy in the simple things like Netflix and laying in bed all day… ahhhhh, the days where I could go out to eat or to the store without asking permission!
People say, “motherhood it’s the hardest yet most rewarding job in the world” And boy is that true! But there is literally NOTHING anyone can say to help you fully understand what that means or how much context that holds….until you go through it yourself.
I’ve turned to the internet so many times wondering if I’m normal to feel such and such… or how not to feel a certain way. Quite frankly, I always turn up empty and a little more defeated.
Every mothers journey is different.
Sometimes I feel like I’m the most lonely person in the entire world. Stuck in a box of a house. Hiding from my monster lurking in my home… yet it doesn’t lurk in my home exactly, but actually in my own head. I am that monster and…she’s the worst.
Yes, I’m also the woman that loves my children more than life itself, and I see the beauty that God created them to be; all the wonderful things they are – I’m definitely not discounting that! I see that they truly only deserve the best mom… so that’s who I just have to be. For them.
But how can I be the best for them if I can’t be the best… in general? It’s a daily struggle. Forcing those thoughts and quite honestly that monster – my worst self – out. Not just back, or down. But OUT!
It’s actually incredibly hard to even face or look at the things that my monster doesn’t just tell me constantly, but shows me: my own memories.
Memories where I was trapped behind my own eyes and watching her actually scream at my baby. Watching her yell and shout. And say such horrible things.
Oh man, how the sane version of me would take her (my monster) out cold in defense of my children!
But… I really can’t even say “she” because that’s transferring accountability. Separating myself from the person that did…that.
The horrible reality is: my baby saw ME. Her MOM. Her own mother did that.
And I saw through my own eyes, the startle and fear; the not understanding why – because I am the person she trusts and loves the most!
So how could I?
Why?
Postpartum Depression Comes In All Shapes And Sizes.
I wish I had the answer to that why beyond the reality that I suffered from postpartum depression when it happened. Even saying that sometimes still feels like a cop-out even though I know personally how real this condition is now.
When this monster version of me was first revealed, my emotional turmoil was intense.
I honestly felt numb.
I truly felt nothing to stop myself from screaming or crying in those moments. Even then, the truth is, these events will haunt me for the rest of my life and what people haven’t ever told me is that once you seem to get it (postpartum depression), then by some miracle, maybe you come out of it… it develops into this sort of constant fight that becomes part of your daily struggle…so, i ask myself, will I ever truly be “better”?
Is this motherhood?
Wondering if I’m now somehow broken? That In exchange for my children, not only my body isn’t in great shape, but my mind, identity, and soul, isn’t either? Will it ever be?
It’d be so easy to give in to those thoughts of anger at myself, which often translates to outbursts directed at others, then blame the world or my kids or even my husband for making me into this person… but who would that make me? But even more importantly, who would that make my kids?
I live for them. Yes. But I believe I am also entrusted with the responsibility to be THE example of who they could be or should be! No pressure…
Motherhood Is A State Of CONSTANT Learning.
Yet, despite the fact that as their mother I should be teaching THEM, they are actually the ones constantly teaching me.
I’m taught what forgiveness is daily. I can stand off to the side and I see my three year old comfort my two year old when she’s sad, and gosh.. if this happens because I just had an “outburst”…It can really make me feel hollow. But then, somehow, they always end up both looking at me – be it a minute later or twenty – and they smile! and by their actions, they show me that they love me anyway. Here comes the tears!!!!
How is this even possible? And more, how can I possibly accept it?
Motherhood Is A Continuous Choice To Try Again.
I often get frustrated and yell, then berate myself for not being a good mom, yet my darling children come to me and say “it’s ok mom. Don’t be sad” and that always tends to make me feel worse – which I could easily take and spiral, OR I can say: “you’re right. I am okay. I’m so sorry. Let’s try again”
I find it’s extremely important to remind myself that I also need to show them, the importance of looking them in the eyes and saying “I’m sorry.” – mommy is not perfect, but I’m going to try again to make sure I always try to be perfect for you.
I’m taught daily, that even though I’m the mom, and I need to set the standard. That my children are better at a lot of things than I am! Holy Moly! They show love without judgement, they move on after a fight with full forgiveness In their hearts like they truly have forgetten the wrong they endured. And they have a natural ability to show up and try again.
Its a true testament to me of GOODNESS. Pure and simple. How I believe we are born already perfect, but through the intricacies of life, we forget what that innate goodness we’re initially born from is exactly.
They already know it better. Its me that’s just forgotten.
And even with reminders, I tend to forget again. Isn’t that life?
So, is this motherhood? I don’t have the exact answer to that. I’m still learning. Constantly.
The Journey Of Motherhood Is Our Own, Yet We’re Not Alone.
No one prepared me for this journey. And some may say, well didn’t my mother- even through example? And my answer is… yes and no. In my lowest times, I compare myself to that example and remember that she NEVER yelled or screamed, or did any of the things that I have done in my worst moments. This is something that shocked me at my core – to know that even though I never had this bestowed upon me growing up, that I’m somehow capable of it. But I’ve learned that this is my OWN struggle to overcome. And I’m fully determined to do just that…
My mothers journey was entirely her own.
And my journey is mine.
What I did learn, and continue to learn, is that by going through my own journey, it gives me so much insight into my mothers journey (though I’ll probably never really know that half of it) and the knowledge that she did the best she could with the knowledge she had at the time. I know she may have felt some similar feelings, definitely, yet she always showed up and tried again. This is an example I know I witnessed through her.
Don’t Compare Your Struggles To Those Of Others. We Don’t Know The Whole Story, Just As They Don’t Know Ours.
Its so hard not to compare myself to other mothers, especially my own. Sometimes it feels literally every mom is doing it better. That it’s easier for them. Or I just find it so freaking hard.
But Motherhood isn’t about comparing yourself to another mom cause they just won’t ever have the same exact experiences. They weren’t entrusted with the same precious souls as you are. I have two of the most precious babies, and another on the way. My journey is far from over, but although I’m learning that being a mom is anything but easy, and the cliche “it’s the hardest but most rewarding job” definitely applies… to me, being a mother so far, has quite literally burned my prior self down to nothing but ashes. And rather than go with the mindset of mourning who I was, which definitely happens sometimes, it’s taught me to focus more on embracing who I am NOW.
Motherhood Irrevocably Changes You.
Sometimes it feels like as soon as I became a mother, my former self was erased and I somehow woke up in a new life where my interests changed so drastically that I had quite a crisis of identity that I’m still trying to figure out… This blog will be a big part of showing my readers what will help me rediscover myself and build a fulfilling life despite what I’ve gone through or will inevitably go through….but when I’m able to shift my focus to figuring out who the new me is, I’m learning that that’s part of my own journey too.
Is this motherhood?
Its part of it for me. But the answer to this question is not exactly a one word or even one sentence answer: it’s an ongoing story that’s added to continuously.
The best thing I can say for now is… I’ll have to get back to you. But if you’re like me, and wonder if you’re completely alone in how you feel or you relate to what I touched on, though briefly, then feel free to follow along and maybe we can find some answers together. I’m determined to become the best mother I can be and to fully embrace all that motherhood has to offer. It pretty much defines all aspects of my life now, but I am excited to discover ALL the positives and hopefully help others in their journeys too.
Thank you for the raw insight into the hard parts of being a mother. It’s inspiring to see, especially the focus on trying again and finding the positives even after the difficult.