From Guilt to Grace | The “Mom Guilt” Survival Guide

**This post contains affiliate links. As an Amazon Associate, I earn from qualifying purchases. By clicking on a link and making a purchase, I may earn a commission at no extra cost to you. This helps support my blog and my little family. Thank you SO much for your support! ***

Welcome to what I call the “mom-guilt” survival guide. 🙂 I hope you enjoy reading, and find some of the information here helpful. <3

Before we fully dive in…

Hey there, Darlin’s,

Can we believe it’s a few days into spring already? I’m undecided. 

I mean, I’ve felt the length of the individual days this year but it’s also felt like it’s sped by without me having a chance to realize it. 

Isn’t that typically the case for all of us though? Time, it seems, speeds up faster and faster every year. 

This year it seems my being pregnant has really played its part in time slipping past.

I had my 35-week doctor appointment yesterday and was told I was measuring closer to 36 weeks! So I’m in the last phase and I am so not prepared!

This brings me to the topic of this blog though, and the all-too-well-known issue of mom guilt. 

I’ve been struggling with some major mom guilt lately… 

A lot of this struggle seems to be stemming from the fact that I’ve suffered from a pretty bad case of either pelvic girdle pain or as my doctor calls it, symphysis pubis dysfunction, this pregnancy. It’s not fun, to say the least.

Let’s just say the pain has been pretty unbearable at times. And yes, I know this is something that I really shouldn’t feel extreme guilt over, but that’s easier said than done when it’s affected my ability to really do much of anything with my two toddler girls for the past few months. 

I feel like all I’ve said is “No honey, I can’t do that.” or “Sorry, we aren’t doing XYZ today” … ugh. The faces my two girls have pulled lately have had me in all kinds of emotional twists!

Besides experiencing guilt due to my recent failures in managing tasks and keeping up, especially as I approach the delivery date, I also feel guilty about the fact that things won’t simply return to normal after giving birth. The arrival of our new baby will introduce a completely new set of changes that our family of five will need to adapt to.

It’s like I have pre-mom guilt for all the unknowns to come. 

I could probably easily wallow in this guilt and shame I’ve been feeling, and probably manage to write a zillion pages of all the things that contribute to it, but that’s not the point of this article because I don’t intend for it to be focused on why I feel mom guilt (at least ALL the reasons why, which seem endless). 

In fact, I wanted to highlight some methods that can actually help manage the mom guilt before letting it eat me alive.

It’s worth sharing because mom guilt can be so easy to feel and allow it to eat us whole. So if you struggle with feeling guilty as a mom, then maybe you can benefit from some of these too.

We all know that motherhood is a journey filled with an immense amount of love, and joy, and can be so fulfilling in so many ways. And yeah, sure, it’s definitely got its fair share of challenges – obviously one of these is this mom guilt I keep mentioning.

Mom guilt can be overwhelming!

It can stem from taking time to go to the bathroom alone and choosing to shut the door on your child who’s crying on the other side, or just doubting every decision you make throughout the day because maybe it’s the wrong one… 

Whatever the source of our guilt, it can definitely weigh heavily on our hearts and minds.

What is mom guilt exactly?

I was thinking it was something we as mothers all know intimately, but I suppose there are those out there who might not experience it as intensely as others (or myself), so let me break it down, at least how it displays for me.

Understanding Mom Guilt:

Mom guilt is an intense feeling of inadequacy and self-doubt felt by mothers in all areas related to their parenting abilities or the choices they make for their children.

I hear it can stem from many areas, which makes sense, including what society expects of us and the feelings of not measuring up to the “perfect-mom” ideology, comparing ourselves to other mothers who seem to have their shit together at all times, or the overall internalization of the pressure we put on ourselves to be great at it (motherhood) ALL THE TIME.

For me, my mom guilt was felt from the very beginning, when I couldn’t get my daughter to latch to breastfeed, despite endlessly trying, so I was kinda forced into formula feeding which sure as hell brought with it a lot of judgment (real or just perceived) from others.

I felt like a failure, and it took a lot of work to change my mindset on that. 

Even still, I decided to breastfeed my second, but ended up having a seriously traumatic birth experience that led to me drying up like a raisin pretty much day two. That’s a story in and of itself, but let’s just say, we’ll see how it goes for my third baby! 😉

From the get-go, I felt this crushing guilt, and I know many others know exactly what I mean here. But above just breastfeeding, many women struggle with mom guilt by having to return to work, or just the overall struggle of balancing the demands of parenthood with all their other responsibilities.

The Impact of Mom Guilt:

You can imagine, or know by experience, that the consequences of struggling with mom guilt can be far-reaching. It affects our mental health, our self-esteem, and our overall well-being. 

Feeling guilty persistently can lead to stress, anxiety, and even depression. 

Related: Kick Medications to the Curb: 8 Natural Ways To Manage Anxiety & Stress (#8 Is My Favorite)

It undermines the confidence we need to feel as a mother and can even hinder our ability to enjoy the small moments in life, which can be so precious. 

In addition, mom guilt can be a strain on our relationships with others. Either with our children or with our spouse. 

I know when I’ve allowed the guilt to eat me up in the past, I would become so preoccupied with the intense feelings that I would just get stuck there, which made being fully present for interactions with my husband or anyone really, impossible.

The best way I’ve been able to stop mom guilt in its tracks, or at least from fully taking over, is through practice.

I’ve had to write many notes on my bathroom mirror, or even find some inspirational quotes at times to force my brain to redirect so the guilt wouldn’t consume me. 

I do want to point out that I am in no way perfect at this, as I still obviously feel these emotions, but I realize that this is also a very normal part of motherhood for many people and as unfortunate as it can be, it can be a good thing to feel sometimes too – believe it or not! 

Think of guilt as an internal message highlighting something that needs to change. 

If we feel guilt over acting out or yelling, or doing something towards or in front of our kids that we genuinely shouldn’t really do, yes it’s important to give ourselves grace for our mistakes, but that guilt is there for a reason. 

It’s a message for us personally that hey, we may need to face what this guilt stems from and maybe realize there’s something here we need to work on or improve. A rational thing we need to look at more closely.

With that said, it’s the irrational mom guilt that I’m really wanting to focus on here. 

I’ve outlined a few of my chosen methods to combat mom guilt when it gets a little too intense, and that have actually helped me, below. 

Strategies for Managing Mom Guilt – It’s Part Of Motherhood:

Practice Self-Compassion: 

It’s important to have self-compassion and recognize that you’re doing the best you can with the support and resources available to you. 

Don’t berate yourself for your perceived shortcomings. Motherhood is hard. It’s the hardest thing I’ve ever experienced and continue to experience in my life, but it’s also the most amazing thing I’m lucky enough to have in my life. 

Give yourself the kindness and understanding you would extend to your dearest friend, especially if they were experiencing some of the same challenges. 

It’s because motherhood is hard, and you’re still showing up and trying again to do it better this time, that you have endless reasons to give yourself compassion in the hard moments.

Set Realistic Expectations: 

I don’t know about you, but I definitely am a mother who falls into the trap of setting unrealistic expectations. Then when I don’t meet those, I get pretty dang discouraged.

A lot of mothers may do this by striving for the unattainable standard of perfection. 

Sure, I want to be perfect all the time, but I have to understand that it’s LITERALLY impossible for me, as a human being, who’s inherently flawed, to be perfect! 

So set realistic expectations and embrace your individual imperfections. 

This helps me, and can totally help you, alleviate some of the pressure and guilt placed on ourselves.

Prioritize Self-Care: 

When I had my first baby, I really did fall into the deceptive thoughts that self-care was selfish. 

It wasn’t until I went absolutely insane (a light way of summarizing my postpartum depression) especially with the intense sleep-deprivation I went through with my second, that I realized:

Self-care is not selfish; it’s essential for us as mothers to prioritize our own well-being in order to even be capable of being the best parents we can be.

I recognize now, that if I were to have stayed in that place, that there was no way in hell I’d be able to have shown up for my baby in any positive way. I know because I couldn’t! No matter how hard I kept trying.

I literally didn’t have the ability to do so because of whatever major misfires were happening on a chemical level in my brain. (I’m no scientist, but it was legitimately impossible in that state).

It took a lot of support from my husband and my mom before I was able (and frankly, allow myself) to take little breaks to recharge, have a shower, and little by little, pull myself out of that sleep-deprived, depressed survival mode I was stuck in.

It was through this hard process though that I realized how crucial prioritizing self-care is, and continues to be. 

I’ll be the first to say that I’m a real beast if I don’t get enough sleep, or if I’m smelling my own stink cause I haven’t been able (or didn’t allow myself) to shower for a few days. 

Do you think mom guilt is bad enough in general? Well, once that beast comes out, it’s definitely worse… so, take care of your needs,  it helps you be able to take care of the needs of others!

Self-care, whatever that is for you, is crucial for combating mom guilt and maintaining emotional resilience.

Challenge Negative Thoughts: 

If you didn’t pick up on this little fact yet, then here we are again. 

Mom guilt often arises from a distorted thinking pattern or irrational belief that we as mothers need to be perfect.

There’s many other negative thoughts that pop up often in my mind, and this may be the case for you too, but as hard as it can be sometimes to remember… our thoughts are not facts!

Negative thoughts, whatever they may be and wherever they may come from, can definitely contribute to feelings of guilt. So it’s important to challenge them and even replace them with more positive, and compassionate, perspectives.

I’ve mentioned it several times now throughout this blog, but a great way to challenge these thoughts is by writing them down.

Here are some great options to have on hand to do just that. 🙂

• Negative Thoughts Journal
• The Negative Thoughts Workbook
• F**k This S**t Venting Journal

Write them down, then write down three different POSITIVE things to show your brain why that initial negative thought is not true.

This cognitive-behavioral technique really helps me when my thoughts insist on being total jerks.

These are great tools to use if you are on a journey of self improvement in any sense.

Focus on What Matters Most: 

When things get particularly bad and my feelings of guilt want to run rampant, I’ve found it extremely helpful to refocus my attention on what truly matters most RIGHT NOW. 

Sometimes, this is going to my room to scream in a pillow so my kids don’t witness my mom rage, vs staying in the room with them while feeling that rage, just because they’re begging me to and I don’t want to feel guilty for walking away when they’re crying.

I hate leaving them if they’re upset, but if I can’t show up for them in a healthy way because I’m super pissed off and overstimulated emotionally, then what truly matters RIGHT NOW is for me to calm down so I can then help them to do so as well.

What’s most important is the love and connection we have with our kids. 

Prioritize quality time, meaningful interactions, and cultivating strong bonds with your children by whatever means necessary whenever or however you can. 

There’s a tip I heard recently that resonated with me and actually seems to help with focusing on what matters most, and that is when you feel like your emotions are getting the best of you, whether it’s guilt, anger, or whatever, then to look at the size of your children’s hands and feet. 

Somehow seeing those small hands on my own is a great visual that really does seem to help refocus my attention to what matters most right now, and that’s them, and how fast time flies. 

It helps me remember that I don’t want to spend that precious time in the state of mind I may have been in – guilty or otherwise – and to just enjoy my little babe in my arms.

It helps!

Seek Support: 

Although the concept of “it takes a village” is pretty foreign to me, since I’ve had to face the fact that I don’t necessarily have a village, I am grateful for the people that I do have and am able to call when I need to.

No mother should have to navigate the challenges of parenting alone.

When you need to, even if you don’t think you SHOULD need to or don’t WANT to need to (really calling myself out here…) then seek the support of your friends and family members. 

These people, and even professional counselors if preferred, can offer validation, empathy, and guidance when the feelings of mom guilt gets the best of you. 

I’ve found there’s even online support groups that can help provide a sense of solidarity and community. 

Search Facebook for Mom Groups in your area and see what comes up.

For these, I’ve appreciated the anonymous function a few times and have posted once or twice to these types of groups and have been amazed at the amount of women who related to my individual concerns. 

Obviously you don’t need to be anonymous, but I’m weird and that was easier for me in the times when I couldn’t convince myself to do it otherwise. 

I can say I’m glad I did though, because it’s important to remind yourself that you’re not alone.

Whatever support method you seek, it’s a great way to really remind yourselves just that – that you’re not alone.

Conclusion:

In my search for ways to help myself emotionally, mentally, and even physically through my motherhood journey, I’ve found that the topic of mom guilt especially is somewhat universal, as it’s experienced, in one way or another, by literally every mother I’ve come across.

It doesn’t define our journeys though, at least it doesn’t have to. And thank goodness for that!

By taking the time to reflect and understand why you’re feeling the guilt, and what it’s impact on you can be, and by implementing strategies for managing or even overcoming it, we as mothers can cultivate a higher resilience overall. 

Embrace imperfection.

I know, I know, it’s hard. 

I’m still working on it too, but it’s worth repeating to ourselves. I’ve found my relationship with myself has really grown by embracing as many aspects of myself as I can, the good and the bad. 

It doesn’t mean I have the attitude of “oh well, I’m imperfect so there’s nothing I can do to change anything for the better…” NO, I view it as a literal way to be compassionate towards myself, especially when I mess up. 

I mess up a lot, and I will probably (or definitely) mess up many times more, but understanding that I’m not perfect ALLOWS me to accept my mistakes, try and forgive myself, and then show up better the next time.

So by embracing imperfection, prioritizing self-care, and seeking support where we can find it can be essential ways that I’ve found extremely helpful in managing the intricacies of mom guilt and in reclaiming my joy in the overall journey of motherhood.

I understand motherhood, and life in general, is messy. 

But I’m not gonna let that stop me from doing my best. 

So with all of this said, I’d really love to hear your thoughts on this subject! Or any other thoughts you feel like sharing in regards to being a mother! 

Please comment below, I’d love to see what your experiences have been, especially in navigating mom guilt.

Thanks for reading.

XOX,

Gracie