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Ooph! This subject.
I’ve had it on my heart and mind for quite a while now to write something on the subject of…well, to put it bluntly: PEOPLE NEED TO STOP FUCKING SHAMING BURNT-OUT OR STAY-AT-HOME MOTHER’S!
Whew!… that escalated quickly! ;p
But, as you can probably tell, this is a subject (mom shaming) that makes me, a stay-at-home-burnt-out-mom fairly emotional.
I think about all the things I can write about on this blog.. self-care, rebuilding self-worth, strengthening relationships, etc! But one thing that I don’t feel get’s nearly enough attention is the overall “shame” that society, friends, or family (whether intentionally or not!) tends to put on mothers. Whether they’re stay-at-home moms or moms that are just plain BURNT-OUT!
If you’ve heard the comments like: “Well at least you have kids!” or “gosh, you should really enjoy every second right now because it’ll be OVER before you know it!”… Then you can probably find something to relate to in this post.
Now before I dive in, I do think I should point out that I DON’T necessarily think people have ill intentions when they say these comments, but what they really ought to learn at some point or another is how much they can impact us as mothers and how they can really come across as plain old “mom shame”.
Mom Shame | Dismissive Responses and Their Impact
When burnt-out mothers express the need for a break, they often hear dismissive responses like “at least you have kids” or “you should appreciate every moment right now more, even if it’s ‘hard’, because it’ll be over before you know it!”
While these statements may seem well-intentioned, they can be profoundly harmful and invalidating.
Here’s why:
1. Invalidating Emotions
Statements like “at least you have kids” can invalidate a mother’s feelings of exhaustion and stress. It implies that she should feel grateful all the time and that her current feelings are not valid. This invalidation can lead to suppressed emotions and increased feelings of isolation and self-doubt.
2. Minimizing Struggles
Telling someone to appreciate their situation because it will be “over before you know it” makes the real and present struggles that they are facing seem small and insignificant. Parenthood, especially in the early years, can be extremely demanding, and such comments can make a mother feel that her struggles are unimportant or temporary, which is not always the case!
3. Creating Guilt
These types of statements can create a sense of guilt. A mother may often feel guilty (I know this one applies to me!) for wanting a break because society tells her she should be constantly grateful.
This guilt can compound her stress and make it even harder for her to take the necessary steps to care for herself.
4. Ignoring the Need for Support
When a mother expresses her need for a break, she is signaling that she requires support! Dismissive comments overlook this cry for help and perpetuate the myth that mothers must be superhuman, capable of handling everything without assistance. This can deter mothers from seeking the help they need, exacerbating their burnout.
5. Social Expectations
Society often places unrealistic expectations on mothers to be consistently happy and fulfilled by parenthood alone. These responses reinforce those expectations, making it difficult for mothers to voice their true feelings and needs without fear of judgment.
So, I don’t know about you. But these types of expectations have truly impacted my mental health in more ways than one! I have truly felt isolated and alone, and having comments like these thrown my way has made it even more difficult to ask for help when I truly need it.
The Importance of Stopping the Societal Shaming of Stay-at-Home and Burnt-Out Mothers
We can all agree that the traditional role of mothers in society has evolved considerably over the years.
Despite these changes, motherhood remains one of the most challenging and rewarding roles.
Unfortunately, stay-at-home mothers and those experiencing burnout often face societal shaming. It is crucial for people to understand and appreciate the complexities of these roles to create a more supportive and inclusive environment.
The Evolution of Motherhood
Historically, mothers were primarily responsible for childcare and managing the household, roles that were vital but undervalued.
As more women entered the workforce, expectations shifted, creating a dichotomy that left many mothers feeling pressured to juggle both careers and family life. This shift inadvertently led to the shaming of stay-at-home mothers, who were often perceived as not contributing economically or fulfilling their potential.
I’ve definitely felt this as a stay-at-home mom. Even though I didn’t become one necessarily out of choice but instead by necessity, I’ve felt I’ve had to defend myself in almost every instance when people ask “what I do” – then to top that off, I’ve been handicapped financially as I can’t qualify for a loan, or anything of that sort – yet, I could get a credit card… go figure!
The Emotional and Psychological Impact of Shaming
The societal shaming of stay-at-home and burnt-out mothers can have profound emotional and psychological effects. These mothers may experience feelings of inadequacy, guilt, and depression. Understanding the emotional toll of this shaming is essential in addressing the broader societal implications.
- Increased Stress and Anxiety: Persistent shaming can lead to heightened stress and anxiety. Mothers might constantly worry about societal judgment, impacting their mental health and ability to provide for their family effectively.
- Erosion of Self-Worth: When society devalues the role of stay-at-home mothers, it can erode their sense of self-worth and accomplishment. This lack of recognition can make many mothers feel invisible or insignificant.
- Depression and Isolation: Societal shaming can lead to depression and social isolation. Many stay-at-home mothers might feel isolated from their peers, contributing to feelings of loneliness and sadness.
The Value of Stay-at-Home Mothers
Contrary to some societal perceptions, stay-at-home mothers make invaluable contributions that extend far beyond the economic sphere.
- Child Development: Stay-at-home mothers play a crucial role in their children’s early development. Their presence during formative years can lead to better emotional, social, and cognitive outcomes.
- Household Management: Managing a household efficiently is akin to running a small business. Budgeting, meal planning, and organizing family schedules require significant skills that are often taken for granted.
- Community Engagement: Stay-at-home mothers often engage in volunteer work, support school activities, and contribute to community-building efforts. Their involvement strengthens social networks and fosters community resilience.
Related: Is This Motherhood? Keep An Open-Mind.
Understanding Burnout in Mothers
Burnout is a state of chronic physical and emotional exhaustion, often resulting from prolonged stress. Stay-at-home and working mothers are equally susceptible to burnout due to the relentless demands of caregiving and household responsibilities.
- Excessive Expectations: Societal expectations often push mothers to strive for perfection, leading to unrealistic goals. This constant pressure can contribute to chronic stress and eventual burnout.
- Lack of Support Systems: Many mothers lack adequate support systems, making it challenging to balance their responsibilities. The absence of support exacerbates feelings of exhaustion and helplessness.
- Emotional Labor: Mothers often perform significant emotional labor, managing their family’s emotional well-being while neglecting their own. This unrecognized labor can lead to mental and physical exhaustion over time.
The Importance of Societal Support
Creating a supportive environment for mothers is vital for their well-being and, by extension, the well-being of their families and communities. Here are some ways society can provide this support:
- Recognizing the Value of Caregiving: Society must acknowledge and appreciate the value of caregiving, regardless of whether it is performed by stay-at-home or working mothers. This recognition can help shift perceptions and reduce shaming.
- Providing Accessible Mental Health Resources: Mental health support should be readily accessible to all mothers. Counseling, support groups, and stress management resources can play a critical role in preventing and addressing burnout.
- Promoting Parental Leave Policies: Strong parental leave policies can provide both parents the opportunity to engage in caregiving without the fear of economic repercussions. This support can alleviate some of the pressures mothers face.
- Encouraging Flexible Work Arrangements: Flexible work arrangements can help mothers balance their professional and personal responsibilities effectively. Employers should be encouraged to offer part-time, remote, or flexible hours to accommodate family needs.
- Building Support Networks: Community programs that build support networks for mothers can provide much-needed relief. Peer support groups, parenting classes, and community activities can foster a sense of belonging and shared experience.
Reducing Societal Shaming
Reducing societal shaming requires a collective effort to change attitudes and perceptions. Here are some actionable steps society can take:
- Promoting Positive Narratives: Media and public discourse should highlight positive stories and achievements of stay-at-home and burnt-out mothers. Celebrating their contributions can help change societal attitudes.
- Encouraging Empathy and Understanding: Education and awareness campaigns can promote empathy and understanding. Encouraging people to walk in the shoes of mothers can help society appreciate the challenges they face.
- Combatting Stereotypes: Challenging stereotypes and debunking myths about stay-at-home and burnt-out mothers is crucial. Creating awareness about the diverse and valuable roles mothers play can help reduce shaming.
- Involving Men in Caregiving: Promoting shared caregiving responsibilities can help normalize the role of fathers in child-rearing and reduce the pressure on mothers. Encouraging men to take an active role in parenting can lead to more balanced and supportive family dynamics.
The Role of Policy Makers
Policy makers have a crucial role in creating a supportive environment for mothers. Policies that recognize and support the diverse roles of mothers can help reduce societal shaming.
- Subsidizing Childcare: Affordable childcare options can provide mothers with the flexibility to pursue their personal and professional goals. Subsidizing childcare can ease the financial burden and support stay-at-home mothers who wish to re-enter the workforce.
- Creating Family-Friendly Workplaces: Legislation that promotes family-friendly workplace practices can ensure mothers have the support they need to balance work and family responsibilities. Policies that mandate paid family leave, flexible hours, and remote work options are essential.
- Supporting Mental Health Initiatives: Funding mental health initiatives specifically targeted at mothers can provide crucial support. Programs that offer counseling, stress management workshops, and peer support groups can help address maternal burnout.
The Importance of Empathy and Support
Understanding and addressing these points with empathy and practical support can make a significant difference in the mental health and well-being of burnt-out mothers. Encouraging open conversations about the realities of motherhood and validating the emotions that come with it can foster a more supportive and understanding community.
What people CAN do when it comes to desiring to help a burnt-out mother:
1. Cultivating Empathy and Understanding
Listening Actively
When a mother expresses feelings of burnout or stress, respond with active listening:
- Reflective Statements: “It sounds like you’re really overwhelmed.”
- Validating Emotions: “It’s completely okay to feel this way.”
This book is a great resource on this subject!
Avoiding Judgment
Encourage open dialogue without judgment:
- Non-judgmental Questions: “What’s been the most challenging part for you recently?”
- Acknowledging Effort: “You’re doing an amazing job, it’s okay to need a break.”
2. Providing Practical Support
Community Support Groups
Develop or join local support groups where mothers can share experiences and offer mutual support:
- Regular Meetups: Create safe spaces for mothers to vent and discuss their feelings.
- Online Forums: Platforms where mothers can connect and share tips, advice, and stories.
Childcare Assistance
Organize community childcare or babysitting swaps:
- Babysitting Co-ops: Groups where parents take turns watching each other’s kids.
- Drop-in Childcare Centers: Local centers where mothers can safely leave their children for short periods.
Household Help
Offer practical help with household chores:
- Meal Trains: Organize meal delivery schedules within the community.
- Cleaning Services: Volunteer or hire cleaning services for overwhelmed mothers.
3. Encouraging Self-care
Promoting Self-care Practices
Encourage mothers to take personal time for self-care:
- Mindfulness and Meditation: Promote practices that help reduce stress.
- Exercise: Encourage physical activity, which can boost mood and energy levels.
Setting Boundaries
Help mothers establish boundaries to protect their well-being:
- Flexible Work Hours: Advocate for employers to offer flexible or remote work options.
- Personal Time: Encourage scheduling regular alone time or hobbies.
4. Building a Supportive Society
Normalizing Parenthood Challenges
Create media and campaigns that normalize the struggles of motherhood:
- Social Media Campaigns: Share real stories about the highs and lows of parenting.
- Public Awareness: Use public platforms to discuss parental burnout and its impacts.
Policy Advocacy
Advocate for policies that support families and mothers:
- Paid Parental Leave: Push for extended maternity/paternity leave.
- Affordable Childcare: Campaign for accessible and affordable childcare options.
5. Educating the Community
Workshops and Seminars
Host educational workshops about the realities of motherhood:
- Stress Management: Teach techniques for managing stress and preventing burnout.
- Parenting Skills: Offer training on effective parenting strategies and coping mechanisms.
Public Discussions
Encourage open public discussions about motherhood:
- Community Talks: Invite experts and mothers to share their experiences publicly.
- Educational Materials: Distribute pamphlets/booklets that dispel myths about motherhood and acknowledge its challenges.
6. Leveraging Technology
Mental Health Apps
Promote apps specifically designed for parental support:
- Meditation Apps: Calm, Headspace
- Community Apps: Peanut, Mush
Online Therapy
Encourage the use of online therapy services specifically catered to parents:
- Therapist Matching Services: BetterHelp, Talkspace
Commitment to Change
Creating a supportive environment for mothers requires a collective community effort. By fostering empathy, providing practical support, advocating for policy changes, and educating the public, we can start to dismantle the stigma surrounding motherhood and ensure that all mothers receive the understanding and help they need.
Conclusion
The societal shaming of stay-at-home and burnt-out mothers is a significant issue that requires immediate attention. Recognizing the value of caregiving, providing adequate support, and promoting positive narratives can help mitigate this shaming. By fostering empathy, understanding, and supportive policies, society can create an environment where mothers feel valued and empowered.
Supporting mothers benefits not only the individuals themselves but also their families and communities. It is time for society to stop shaming stay-at-home and burnt-out mothers and start celebrating the invaluable contributions they make every day. This shift in perspective can lead to stronger, healthier families and a more compassionate, inclusive society.
How have you as a mother felt shamed by the people in your life? Or maybe you’ve witnessed it with someone close to you… EIther way, i’d love to hear your stories! Comment below and let’s connect!
Xx
Gracie
