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Think you know what your man really wants from you? Hit “pause” on the radar of clichés, because this isn’t all about sex (though yes, intimacy matters). Let’s go deeper.
In a relationship, men often have silent desires: things they don’t always express, things they need underneath the surface. And while intimacy plays a role, it’s only the tip of the iceberg.
Every man is different, different personality, different history, different relationship dynamics, but there are core wants almost every man quietly craves from his partner.
Though it should be noted (and fairly obvious) that being intimate with your spouse is a very important aspect to a marriage and pretty much a guaranteed “want” at one point or another 😉 – there’s a lot more to it than just this aspect.
Every man is going to have different wants, depending on their personality and of course the dynamics in your relationship, but there are some fundamental aspects that I believe every man craves from his partner.
Helping Your Man vs. “Fixing” Him | Having Realistic Expectations
The Helping… Not Fixing Dilemma
I’m a helper by heart, but I used to wrestle with this: When am I offering support and when am I trying to fix him?
A little backstory: I’ve been with Taison since 2011, married in 2016, and yes, kids changed everything. I thought I was a great girlfriend, and becoming a wife amplified that image. So you can imagine how stunned I was when issues formed, issues that I later realized were rooted in expectations I’d silently placed on him.
I believed he should act a certain way: detect my needs without words, do everything seamlessly, carry the father-mantle perfectly, even when I hadn’t communicated what that looked like (to be honest, I had NO clue because my dad was absent from my life). And when he didn’t match the fantasy? I bottled resentment. don’t know about you, but the idea of “helping” my husband in any way is a concept I am drawn to, but also totally struggle with!
What I mean by struggle, is that I guess I find it difficult to find the line of truly desiring to help him (make HIM feel good, valued, respected, etc!) vs what can come across as an attempt at “fixing” him.
The Mindset Shift
At my lowest point I picked up a book called The Proper Care & Feeding of Husbands by Dr. Laura Schlessinger.
I was skeptical. Isn’t it his job to show up? Why should I have to change? But the insights hit me hard. Not all of them aligned with my beliefs, but enough rang true. I started practicing them, and quietly, our marriage shifted.
I had this idea in the back of my head that my husband was so lucky to have a wife like me, because I wasn’t one of those women that wanted to control her husband! Whether it was through our finances (you know those women who give their man an allowance?), his time, etc.
I mean, compared to THOSE women, I was so chill!
Or was I?
Why Your Confidence Matters for His Confidence
Confidence isn’t just a solo show, it’s relational. When one partner blossoms, the other feels the ripple. As his partner, you can influence his self-image, his resilience, his belief in his ability to show up. And yes, that matters.
I created this guide because it’s raw, it’s what I did, and it’s what I believe works. It’s paused, reflect-and-act-ready.
Honestly, it wasn’t really until we had our first baby that I found out how much pressure I put on him by demanding so much from him.
This may be an unpopular opinion, but there’s a total bias in the mainstream feminist approach to how a man should act in a marriage or relationship.
I unknowingly put all of these expectations on my husband by believing he had to act and behave a certain way as my husband, and even more as a father!
What I mean by this, is that rather than understand the man that I married for who he is, exactly how he is – I expected some fictional person instead. One that could read my mind, always know when I needed help, and to just do everything perfectly. And when he didn’t? (because he simply didn’t know what I needed or wanted, because *shocker* I didn’t tell him!) I resented the hell out of him.
What Confidence Looks Like in Your Relationship
Confidence isn’t just “I’m fine” or “I’ve got this.” It shows up as:
- His self-image: how he sees himself (skills, worth, role)
- Assertiveness: his ability to speak up, set boundaries, act on desires
- Resilience: bouncing back from messes, mistakes, setbacks
- Self-efficacy: believing he can make things happen
When he shows up more firmly, more fully, you both feel it.
Inspiring Confidence In Yourself Can Also Inspire Confidence In Your Man
I believe that confidence is a cornerstone of personal growth and success, and can have an influence on every aspect of our lives, from relationships to careers.
As a partner, I believe I play a crucial role in nurturing and supporting my husband’s confidence, and helping him realize his full potential and to thrive in all areas of his life. At least that’s the goal!
It’s with this information that I decided to write something of a guide, outlining what I actually have tried in my relationship (an honest account), and what I believe are great strategies towards helping your husband build more confidence in himself.
These strategies are also an attempt to foster self-esteem, in both of you, and promote a more empowered relationship overall.
Related: Rekindling Romance: 30 Creative Ways to Date Your Spouse and Reignite that “Spark”!
These are a few of my go-to self-care rituals and confidence boosters.
- Journals or guided affirmation notebooks
- Essential oil diffuser (relaxing mood-setting tool)
- Bath salts or spa gift sets
- Lingerie or cozy robes (tastefully positioned as “confidence-building gifts for you, not just for him”)
- Weighted blanket or lavender sleep spray (“because confidence starts with rest”)
Understanding Confidence
Confidence is more than just a feeling; it’s a mindset characterized by self-assurance, resilience, and belief in one’s abilities.
Some people may be lucky and naturally exude confidence! But others, like me, can struggle with self-doubt or insecurity.
I think it’s safe to say this can stem from factors such as past experiences, social expectations (or marital!), and even our upbringing.
It’s important to understand that if you struggle with this, your husband definitely can and probably does, too!
Confidence manifests in various forms, including:
- Self-Image: How your husband perceives himself, including his appearance, skills, and worth.
- Assertiveness: The ability to express opinions, set boundaries, and advocate for oneself.
- Resilience: Bouncing back from setbacks, failures, and challenges with determination and optimism.
- Self-Efficacy: Belief in one’s ability to accomplish goals and overcome obstacles.
The Importance of Confidence in Relationships
Confidence plays a pivotal role in our relationships, shaping how we communicate, resolve conflicts, and support each other’s goals and aspirations.
When your husband feels more confident in himself, he is better equipped to contribute positively to your relationship, fostering trust, intimacy, and mutual respect.
It’s incredible how much influence we as their wife have in boosting that confidence!
In addition, confidence is contagious!; when one partner exudes self-assurance, it can inspire the other to do the same, creating a positive feedback loop of empowerment and support.
There’s a whole science behind the difference between the male brain vs. the female brain, which Dr. Schlessinger discusses in her book, but one of the points she makes is that it is EASIER for the woman to be the first in taking actionable steps to help a relationship thrive. It just IS!
This definitely applies to the contagiousness of confidence and how it can inspire a partner to also feel confident.
Personally, it can kind of suck to have to be the one to take that first step (especially in a state of overwhelm), but her points made sense to me and I’ve seen it work time and time again when I’m able to get over myself and make the first move…
Strategies for Building Confidence in Your Husband: *Ahem*…What Your Man Really Wants From You!
- 1. Provide Unconditional Support: One of the most powerful ways to build confidence in your husband is by offering unwavering support and encouragement. Show him that you believe in his abilities and aspirations, even when he may doubt himself. Always celebrate his achievements, no matter how small, and gently remind him when needed of his strengths especially during moments of self-doubt.
- 2. Encourage Personal Growth: encourage your husband to pursue his passions, interests, and goals, whether it’s furthering his education, pursuing a hobby, or advancing his career. Make sure these are things you know he has a desire in and not just something you want him to do. Act as his cheerleader and sounding board, offering feedback and guidance as needed. By investing in his personal growth and development, you demonstrate your belief in his potential and capacity for success.
- 3. Celebrate His Successes: Always take the time to acknowledge and celebrate your husband’s accomplishments, whether it’s a personal milestone, a promotion at work, or any goal he’s been working towards. Show genuine pride and admiration for his achievements and that you believe in his competence and know his worth. Celebrating successes together strengthens your bond as a couple and reinforces your commitment to each other’s happiness. I’ve linked a few thoughtful gifts that make celebrating him effortless (and meaningful):
- Date night in a box subscription like Date Night In a Box or This
- Conversation card decks for couples (like The Skin Deep or We’re Not Really Strangers: Couples Edition)
- Fancy candles or ambient lighting for home connection nights
- Bluetooth speaker or playlist service (music for at-home dates)
- Personalized photo books or keepsake boxes
- 4. Promote Positive Self-Talk: Help your husband cultivate a positive self-image by encouraging positive self-talk and challenging negative beliefs or self-limiting beliefs. Remind him of his strengths, talents, and past successes. By promoting a positive internal dialogue, you help him build resilience and confidence in the face of adversity.
- 5. Create a Safe and Supportive Environment: Foster an environment where your husband feels safe to be vulnerable, express his emotions, and share his fears and insecurities without judgment. Do your best to have the home be somewhere he’s happy to come home to. Listen actively, validate his feelings, and offer empathy and understanding. By creating a safe space for open communication and emotional intimacy, you strengthen your emotional connection and deepen your bond. Even the smallest upgrades can make your home feel more peaceful and inviting:
- Audible free trial (great for self-development audiobooks)
- Skillshare / MasterClass subscriptions (confidence, communication, creativity)
- Journals, planners, or goal trackers (“Encourage growth in yourself so he feels inspired too”)
- Fitness equipment or men’s grooming kits
- 6. Lead by Example: This one can be tough, especially when you’re not feeling it or are in need of some comfort yourself. But I also find it totally works to get your needs met too by being the first to act because when your husband feels valued, safe, and secure – he’s so much more likely to strive to give you whatever you need. A good man really does want to take care of and provide for his partner. Be a role model for confidence and self-assurance in your own life, demonstrating resilience, assertiveness, and self-compassion. Show your husband that confidence is not about being perfect but about embracing imperfection and taking risks in pursuit of personal growth and fulfillment. Lead by example by setting goals, overcoming challenges, and prioritizing self-care and self-love.
Conclusion
Building confidence in your husband is a journey that requires patience, empathy, and commitment. By providing unconditional support, encouraging personal growth, celebrating successes, promoting positive self-talk, creating a safe and supportive environment, and leading by example, you can empower your husband to embrace his full potential and thrive in all aspects of his life.
It’s also important to note that this is a guide that will not apply if you’re married to a narcissist. These are methods that will work for a man that is also fully invested in your relationship, and are tips to help you as a wife support your man!
I’ve had a lot of criticism from some women who think that by “making the first move” to help my husband, even when I don’t feel like it, is totally self-demeaning and degrading as a woman! I disagree. I fully believe a marriage is a partnership, and that if you want your husband to do XYZ in your marriage, but you’re not willing to do the same, then I wouldn’t really call that a healthy relationship.
Marriage isn’t 50-50, it’s 100-100! Or, when you’re not able to give 100%, then you have an open discussion where your partner might be willing to pick up that extra % you’re unable to manage. Having your partner pick up the extra can’t be an ongoing thing, but hopefully you get the idea.
Remember that confidence is not a destination but a continuous process of self-discovery and growth. By investing in your husband’s confidence, you strengthen your relationship and create a foundation for lifelong happiness and fulfillment together.
I’ve read a lot of books to help with my own confidence, and one I enjoyed recently was this one. Check it out. It’s a good practice book to help release things in a safe way.
If you want your husband to show up for you, then show up for him first! Show him how you want to be treated, open the door for healthy communication, meet his needs and you’ll be shocked at how an increase in his confidence can really improve his treatment of you overall! He’ll be bending over backwards to make you happy in return. It’s a win-win.
I’d love to hear your thoughts! What are some ways you’ve improved aspects of your relationship after going through a rough patch?
If you’re serious about raising both your confidence and his, here’s a curated list of tools I recommend:
My Marriage Reset Reading List 😉
📘 The Proper Care & Feeding of Husbands – Dr. Laura Schlessinger
📖 Love & Respect – Dr. Emerson Eggerichs
💕 The 5 Love Languages – Gary Chapman
💬 His Needs, Her Needs – Willard Harley
🧠 Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus – John Gray
What’s something that’s helped you? I’d love to hear!
Leave a comment below!
